Why do you expect things to change if you keep doing them in the same manner?
I am entangled with making myself a victim to the point that it is shocking to me when I finally see it from the distance. I am in a cycle of setting myself free just to tie my hands again and push me towards the feeling that overtaken my life for too long – guilt.
Guilt that I failed. Guilt that I didn’t meet my own expectations, directives and restrictions. I try to keep myself in a cage knowing that my nature is all the opposite – it needs freedom. If I don’t have it I go too far in those moments when I am finally unleashed. I break the rules, disobey, become neglectful an overuse. With time I’ve learned to let go of this pattern in many areas of my life but there are still some that are not cured. And I write about it on this blog because they have a lot to do with food, as a matter of fact, those are the habits that are in possession of my relationship with food. And I want to replace them with my healthy, own self. And I will because I know I can. And I can because I finally see what I am repeating non-stop.
I allow myself or I forbid myself from having this or doing that. If I obey I feel pleased with myself, in control. But as it always was with me – I suck at obeying… thus it’s obvious a moment will come when I rebel and show a middle finger to my own self. And then a feast will begin! Of stuffing, of cramming, of filling up on the fake sense of freedom. Overusing all that is available with a feeling of guilt spreading in my mind and body. Sneaky and quietly, growing with every second I get to taste this ‘freedom’. I try reasoning ‘it’s just today, just till the morning, just till Monday’ because I know that then the self-parenting Kasia will come to clean the mess and give the new rules and restrictions. ‘Enjoying’ the feeling of control and swallowing the bump of guilt down her stomach.
Why do I even wonder where do my health issues come from? Why do I wonder why is my stomach still overheated even though I take care of it? Why it surprises me that my guts give me hard times and the digestion energy is lacking though I enhance it with warming up spices and healthy food? How do I expect a stream of fresh energy when I create so much heavy stagnation with a sticky, muddy guilt feeling?
That is why I broke my 2 weeks coffee detox yesterday, 3 days before it ends. Instead of following yet another norm I just enjoyed a cup of coffee on the grey, sleepy day and allowed the caffeine particles to awaken all the cells of my body. And it was good. Easy. Pleasurable. And I don’t have to repeat it today as I am awake and refreshed without the coffee today. It is in the pot, spreading the aroma around the house but I don’t need it just because it’s available. Simple as that! That was again another rule I had to follow to keep me in this world of fake feelings. Never truly in charge of my life and never free to the fullest. Always within imaginary borders that I enforced. And this is my pattern I want to let go off. This is a habit I am changing right now. This is my Sankalpa, the resolve that I manifest in the present moment. “My body and my head are healthy, I love and fully trust myself”.