I remember the first time when the neuron connections switched, the pattern flickered and I felt self-love so overwhelming that it left me broke down in tears. It was the beginning of summer, I was driving my car and I just got back from a yoga retreat where I spend time in nature, with lots of mindfulness, gentleness and close connection to my body. This understanding that I’m able to love and accept myself was full and strong as a waterfall as it embraced my whole being for a moment. Its seed stayed with me hoping it found a fertile soil to sprout.
That was two years ago, a few years after I understood that me and my life are not happy together and when, very faintly at first, I started changing my reality the way I wished, not how the wind had blown. This realization I got in the car came already after a few years of steering my life, learning my intuition, listening to my needs and letting go of what no longer served me. At that very moment, I entered the more conscious process of sensing where I’m going and trusting I’m going to get there. I felt confident.
Today I woke up with the child’s joy, with excitement to meditate, to touch my birchwood flute, to see my fairy reflection in the mirror, to eat the juicy peach and go out in the sun. My Body and Spirit glare! What’s inside merges with what’s on the outside, Yin embraces Yang, femininity and masculinity give space to each other, love expands and is ready to uncritically cherish all I’ve been pushing away, seeing as ugly and unworthy. I am becoming full, whole and surrender to this process which is bigger than me and always was but couldn’t flow blocked by a thick dam made of patterns imprinted on my mind, stereotypes feeding my ego and creating me from ‘NOTme’. I still learn what blossoming love is but now I get my lessons in the form of dreams, in the sounds of the instruments, in the visions I see when I close my eyes and in the silence of meditation. And those lessons come to me as the real people in which I behold my teachers, and those, whose teachings are the most difficult are there on my way to help me become ME.