I change rapidly. Might be that it’s only my perspective but the last few years are a story of shedding my snake’s skin layer by layer. Therefore the change. If you believe half of your adult life in glossy pictures, happiness happy hours and rebellion as a ‘set me free’ highway, you might get smashed in the face once the masks start to fall off. So I did. So I still am as I don’t stop on my way to acknowledge, observe and explore the story of my soul. The work ain’t easy, but there’s just no other way to keep going. It is impossible to come back once the red pill has been swallowed. The road forward, however winding and dark – inevitable.
I got stuck on this road. In the beginning, I found my new path sunlit and easy but for some time now I push through quicksands and mud. I am the Sisyphus and the stone is becoming heavier and heavier. I get the shit scared sometimes because I see nothing but this stone. Paralyzed, afraid, crying on the bathroom’s floor. Not being able to move to the left nor to the right not even mentioning forward. Sweat covers my eyes, my brain burns full of chaos and noise and all there is, is panic on the streets. I am helpless, hopeless, indecisive, don’t know what to do with myself and that part of me is what scares me the most. I don’t know how to embrace it because what I feel towards it is a freezing fear.
I am shit scared of myself. Being with this for 2 days now, absorbing and trying to integrate panic it can cause. Trying to understand how this fear can appear with such full power and then disappear within just a few hours. Wondering if it’s the same force that once in a while takes over my nights bringing insomnia? Whatever that is, the mind is naturally looking for an explanation to make it easier to understand. What I choose to believe for now is that this paralysis comes from an overwhelming multitude of the ideas, possibilities, paths, options and chances that are waiting to be taken. I simply have no clue which to follow and that flouncing eats up my energy. It makes me tired, feeling like a loser that is left behind while everyone else pursues their dreams with smiley faces. So I keep explaining to myself that it must be because of those skins that I’m shedding which changes my perspective and what I feel Today might be only the reflection of the mask that I lose Tomorrow. I will keep believing that truth for now. To find peace and fall asleep. Until another introspection will come and the truth will be changed.
That’s my beloved track which I tend to listen when the f.e.a.r. knocks at my door.